I could just spit.
Last night I sat with my bride and watched "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", which should win the award for the longest title ever.
It should also win the award for biggest suck-fest of 2008. Sean Connery was the best thing about that movie, and he was a picture on a desk. Not even Shia LaBeouf riding up (see Marlon Brando in Easy Rider) on a morotcycle, hat tilted, could make an impact. I laughed out loud.
When they first cut open the cocoon holding the alien...THE ALIEN...IN AN INDIANA JONES MOVIE, AN ALIEN...I looked at my bride and said, ".....really?"
I raised my eyebrows in disbelief when the "natives" came out of the ground and started fighting Karate-style (see The Rundown).
I put my head in my hands when the big CG ants swarmed (see the scarab beetles from The Mummy) and ate the guy alive.
I sat through almost 2 hours of this ridiculous premise, watching Indy survive a NUCLEAR BLAST by being tossed around in a lead lined refridgerator (see nuclear fallout kills you anyway), Cate Blanchett with a horrible wig and an even worse accent (see Natasha from Bullwinkle), the awesome guy who played Boers from King Arthur with Clive Owen reduced to saying "Jonesy" at the beginning of every line, Shia LaBeouf HAVING MONKEYS SHOW HIM HOW TO SWING FROM VINES TO CATCH UP WITH A SPEEDING CAR...
That's it. I'm so angry right now. I want George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to come to my house and apologize. I want them to build me a time machine so I can travel back and relive those two hours shaving my uncle's back hair, because that would be more enjoyable that watching this movie.
And while he's on his knees grovelling for my forgiveness, Mr. Lucas can apologize for the dialogue in the Star Wars movies. Hold me like you held me on Naboo? Are you SERIOUS?
What cuts deep is that Indiana Jones is iconic. One of those characters that is basically immortal. The hat, the whip, the satchel, the half-smirk when sneaking away with the idol.
ARGH.
Spielberg and Lucas may as well stood on my front lawn and egged my house.
If there is ANY, and I mean ANY buzz about doing another Indy movie with Shia LaBeouf...I...I can't even continue that thought. I have to go now.
Just pray that I don't go postal on the Skywalker Ranch.
Ok, first of all, I am concerned that you kept referring to me as "my bride." I haven't thought of myself as a bride in over nine years. You're weird.
ReplyDeleteSecond, refrigerator doesn't have a "D" in it. And I know you always stumble on this word just as I always stumble on "Vacuum" or is it "Vaccuum?" ha. Just kidding. I know which one is correct.
Third, this post made me laugh out loud. Especially Natasha from Bullwinkle and nuclear fallout will kill you anyway. I think I'm going to go watch the movie again just for kicks. :)